The Coalition Agreement

David Cameron and Nick Clegg have published their coalition agreement with its blueprint for this parliament and its reviews commissions and the like.

So I thought that in the interests of fairness and transparency not least to Teapot I should publish the principal undertakings of our coalition agreement. It was thrashed out at numerous lengthy meetings in the summerhouse over gallons of tea.

* this is not a fixed term agreement

* in the interests of weight reduction Timelord baked biscuits will be hidden from Teapot as far as possible

* we will sign up to the global anti dusting treaty

* washing and ironing can go hang on summers' days

* we will enjoy as much walking as possible on Timelord's days off

* we will commission a review of behaviour in the car whilst Timelord is driving but accept that Teapot has a free vote on the outcome

* we will continue to drink Yorkshire Tea

* Australians are welcome in the Tardis even during the Ashes next winter

* there will be more sausage casseroles of various varieties but Teapot need not eat it

* there will be a study with a view to the early resumption of further Teapot paintings

* French will continue to be spoken but not necessarily by Timelord

Watch this space

A Screwtape Letter

My dear Slubgob

My most devilish congratulations to you. There is something about publishing good news whilst those pygmies Cameron Brown and Clegg play their little games.

So a triple alpha to you for the masterstroke of persuading the Home Office to recognise the Police Pagan Association in the interests of equality and diversity. What chance have those pathetic humans of understanding truth with a genius like you around.

But I do counsel caution.

There is just a chance that even they will spot the flaw if you continue to press the case for wearing long cloaks and pointed hats whilst on traffic duty. And I reckon that suggesting eye of newt and toe of frog on the mess room menu may be a challenge too far.

Far better to see if Jamie Oliver can put it on the school meal rota first or else before you know where we are the Bill will be back on ITV.

Your mentor his eminence

The emeritus professor of all things diabolical

Screwtape

Police called to polling station.....

.......in Mere Green !! That's what the BBC says.... so it must be right. Having just checked that we have not gone backwards in a time vortex to April 1 I have undertaken some serious enquiries into this phenomenon.

There appear to be a number of theories

• someone thought Gordon Brown was coming
• Teapot was offering free Timelord biscuits to Lib Dem voters and the Tories cut up rough
• the local chip shop owners staged a solidarity rally with their Greek cousins
• mice were spotted and the lady presiding officer locked herself in the head's office and no one could vote
• the Big Issue seller at Sainsburys had rearranged the polling station signs to point to the fruit and veg stalls in the store. He is now "helping the police with their enquiries"

Anyone got any other ideas?

Googlies doosras and all that

Now I reckon that not even Shane Warne could spin Gordon the Green Engine out of his current plight in the political brown stuff.

Teapot's nephew James, heir to the godfather's empire in London, encouraged me to write about this story about Gillian Duffy in the Independent.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/how-mrs-duffy-refused-to-dance-to-antibrown-tune-played-by-lsquothe-sunrsquo-1958667.html.

Which just goes to show why the journos disliked Alistair Campbell so much. He knew how to play them at their own game and was better at it. One of the oases of light relief in this election has been to follow Campbell Claret's tweets and no more so than his immovable support for Gordon during the debates. At least he has plenty of practice in supporting lost causes since it must be a lot like supporting Burnley this last year in the Premiership.

A double relegation coming up methinks.

Moving on

I take a short break from the election hustings to return to Beirut where I spent a wonderful weekend with my American friends last October.

I was prompted to write this by a piece by Dalila Mahdawi on yesterday's "From our own correspondent" on radio 4. She reported on Beirut about the story of Audette Saleem a 77 year old woman whose son and daughter went missing in 1987 during the civil war and never seen again. About 17,000 people vanished during the civil war.

She tried to find out what happened to her children. She sought out the rival militias and after the war ended appeared before the government commission established to look into the disappearances. By that time militia leaders had become government officials and they told Audette it was time to move on and stop looking. There is now an amnesty in Lebanon for war crimes.

Audette however took to living in a tent outside the government offices to maintain her protest stuck to her hopes and moved into a tent where she lived for 1,495 days. She died last May crossing the road as she was hit by a speeding car.

Dalila speaks of a war amnesia in the city. There are no memorials or commemoration dates. The shell pocked and bullet ridden buildings have been demolished and the city centre is rebuilt. The Holiday Inn is a notable exception. But sectarian tensions remain.

All this made me think about those words which Isaiah wrote about God telling the people of Israel to forget the former things and not to dwell on the past as God was doing a new thing. There is an important difference here between holding on to the ways of doing from the past and pretending we do not have a past at all. Amnesia is a sickness and it is unhealthy to live without memory.

What we can do is believe passionately that God does indeed do new things for us and our friends. That we can live out what has happened to us in the past in the present and God will support us in doing just that.