Wesley....

......is a herdwick sheep and the latest traveller in the Tardis. We came across him one wet day in Grasmere and the rest as they say his history.

Some of you may remember another time traveller and his companion K9 but Wesley is in another league.

He is the kind of guy who can lift your spirits on the rainiest of days. After all a few inches of the wet stuff is nothing to a herdwick sheep. He shrugs his shoulders and keeps on munching.

Cutting the grass is a chore of the past. Let him out of the back door and before you can say baa baa Wesley, the job is done. Trips to London, fighting your way onto the tube, catching the train to Basingstoke instead of Manchester, all of this passes him by. Wesley is the master of the chill.

Give me grass he says, and that is all I want.

I hope you will meet him soon. Watch out for him at Curly Al's wedding!

Muffin Futures

Financial markets are in turmoil. The dollar falls and the pound is plumetting. Investors are looking for quality and Timelord's muffin factory is on overtime.

The telephones are buzzing and muffin futures are at an all time high. Demand is outstripping supply as Curly Al and Jen's wedding approaches.

Some blame the panic on short sellers but Timelord knows the real villains are the gobblers. Those who divert muffins from the cooling tray before they can be transported to the freezer for their own ends. Speculators on the alert for a quick bite.

Firm measures must be taken. Marmite muffins are being considered as a last resort.

To make sure of your muffin on the big day a week on Saturday pre order through facebook or other channels with a choice of flavours: mincemeat, chocolate, marmalade, ginger, lemon and coffee. Trading under the counter or behind the church sound desk strictly prohibited.

Hurry whilst stocks last.

Alfred Wainwright

If you visit the Lake District you will soon come across the guides and sketchbooks of Alfred Wainwright. He began his work of sketching the fells and mountains of this area in the 1950s and his first guide to the Eastern fells was published in 1955. His last and seventh of the guides was published in 1966: the culmination of a 13 year plan.

The pen and ink drawings and the manuscript commentary are instantly recognisable to walkers and tourists generally in the Lakes and are found in most large bookshops in our major towns and cities.

His is a story of devotion, single-mindedness and perhaps even obsession. He was the borough treasurer at Kendal for much of the time in those long ago hand written ledger days. With his tea on the table when he came home, however the evenings that followed were free to be consumed by the writing of his guides after a weekend walking the fells.

His means of transport was the local bus and his ideal end to the day a meal of fish and chips eaten out of the pages of the local newspaper.

Wainwright grew up in Blackburn and moved (showing good sense!) to the Lake District in 1941. His first wife sadly appears to have been wholly excluded from his passion for the Fells and for that matter everything else except tending to his needs.

He did not set out on his work with the idea of making a fortune from his books and it was by no means certain that the first guide was going to be a success. And the royalties from them have largely gone to animal charities in Cumbria with perhaps the hint that AW found animals sometimes easier to cope with than human beings.

Teapot herself is no slouch with the pen and ink but sadly has so far been frustrated in completing her nineteen volume pictorial guide to the teashops of England by her commitment to making sure there is tea on the table (or in the microwave) for when Timelord comes home to the Tardis.

The Godfather

All police leave was cancelled in the Rawtenstall area of Lancashire last weekend because of the 90th birthday celebration of Leslie “the Godfather” Smith.

Leslie has become a legend in his lifetime. By a ruthless strategy of dynastic marriages and concrete eliminations he has managed to see off all potential rivals from other families within the notorious valley tribes. Culpens, Halliwells, Westwells and Holdens have all either mysteriously disappeared or turned up to pay homage at the St Mary’s Assembly Rooms and Conference Centre.

The question on every one’s lips has been “who will inherit the Godfather’s empire?”

“Credit Crunch Jonathan” has a big following within the tribe and is now in charge of the Leeds operation with a unique line in futures. One of his crunches and there is no future for you, if you get my meaning. His recent world tour brought extra spice to the family’s operations.

“Electric Al” has risen rapidly within the business in recent weeks and has opened a new front in Bristol. Fuel systems are his MO and he is sure to make his mark with a bang.

But the smart money is on “James the Smoke”, long time head of the London outfit with strong political connections and now branching out into the arts and entertainments business, if you follow my drift. He was given the special honour of master of ceremonies and the supreme test of calling to order Leslie’s two daughters: Vivvy and Showbiz Shirl as they addressed the gathering, before the Godfather himself took the stage to speak.

Insiders in the family say Leslie shows no signs of retiring or tolerating any rivals whatever the young bloods may think. His address in the tribal dialect brought tears to the eyes of many who heard it.

And there will be tears for any who dare to defy him!